ALIEN BABIES BOTTLED

A major organic food chain store in Washington state announced recently that it has begun bottling baby aliens for consumption. FreshHOLife, Inc. is trying to be the first company of it's kind to serve baby aliens fresh and non-processed. Says CEO Geoff Blum, "If people are going to eat alien babies they should have them fresh and get all of the nutrients." Alien-rights activists are outraged that people are still eating alien babies at all and are planning to boycott the new product.

JESSICA SIMPSON’S BABY

American pop-star Jessica Simpson debuted her new child on international television recently. There had been much speculation that Simpson was never really pregnant, but her appearance on the show blew those rumors apart. Her baby, two-week old Nardigan Simpson-Lechet, waved at the cheering crowds. Simpson's representative says that Jessica's husband Nick is definitely the Father of young Nardigan, despite vicious rumors that the father was actually a blow-up male fantasy doll that she had an affair with on tour.

DOG SURFING CHAMPION

A young puppy named Jimi has taken the 'Crown la Honor' at this years Brazilian Dog Surfing Tournament. The pup began surfing just one year earlier and quickly rose to fame in Brazil after appearing in a national beer commercial. Once fame hit little Jimi his owner Diki Negal decided to get him into surfing as a way to "relax, unwind, and get away from all the bitches." Jimi and his owner have now earned $750,000 to put towards what Negal describes as, "ultimate dog-house."

YELLOWSTONE BLOWS AGAIN

Yellowstone National Park in the United States is blowing hard again, after being geographically constipated for most of last season. Seismologists concur that a build up of toxic gas was gathering underneath the surface of the park due to backed up sewage mains and remote septic systems left over from the last millennium. After a mob of angry tourists rammed some of the Yellowstone geyser holes they loosened up and the gas was once again released into the environment.

CAMEL MATING ON THE RISE

By Wendy Vunn

ISTANBUL - Camel mating is on the upswing once again, thanks to the US-BRITAIN withrawal from the Middle East, say animal psychologists from around the globe. From the "first" Gulf War in the year 1991 on through the "second" Gulf War that began in 2001, camel populations dwindled drastically to the point of near-extinction. Says Dr. Sheikolislam of the United Arab Emirates, "It's clear to see that the animals were stressed by the amount of bombing, bloodshed, and overall terror that was occurring during the Great Invasion. Thank our God that it has gotten better, but imagine what these animals must have been going through. We're talking now about the camels, but what about the snakes, the birds, the desert creatures of every kind? When the War was occurring all they ever talked about were the human casualties, they never stopped to consider the damage they were having on the Earth itself and all of it's other inhabitants." And in the deserts outside of Kandahar Dr. Penelope Smith of Princeton University takes in the scenery of two camels mating, telling reporters that "when you see humps within the humping, it's really quite balancing. For years sex therapists studied that mating habits of camels, and during War times, those studies were all but totally halted. To be out here now in the hot sun watching the creation of more camels which we will be able to study when they come of age..." Dr. Smith collapsed and suffered a severe heat stroke. Experts speculate that it could take 30 years of uninterrupted camel mating to restore the population to where it was in the 1980's.

N. KOREA LEADER & COLA

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is at it once again, although he is not making nuclear weapons this time but a new brand of highly-caffeinated soda pop. According to UN Justice Officials, the fear internationally is that Jong Il is planning to attack people through his dangerously high doses of caffeine. Jong Il's publicist disagrees, "Kim is a wired man. He himself drinks very high amount of caffeine." In Canada the Prime Minister announced that he would personally stop the flow of any Jong Il manufactured beverage trying to come in through Canada's borders. But Jong Il may not be worried, as he already has orders from all over South America, Russia, the United States, Australia, and China to deliver his new beverage.

ALIEN SIGNS DEAL WITH PEPSI

Pepsi-Cola claims that the star of their new theatrical commercials is none other than Azzerrkamam from Galaxy 790-C. Pepsi's spokesman Harry Waters says that they would like to "go beyond another generation and open the product up to all life forms, on Earth and beyond." Azzerrkamam first appeared on Broadway last year starring as 'Danny' in a staging of "West Side Story" at the Virginia Theater. He has stated that he thinks his family must be proud of him.

UFO IN NEW YORK: THREAT?

By Damon Lansing

NEW YORK CITY - While the White House has confirmed reports of new terrorism threats against New York City, they have not yet spoken out on this shocking photo which just surfaced days ago. The photo shows clearly that a UFO is flying towards the beloved Empire State Building. Top Brass at the NYPD are highly unnerved by the new photo, says a close insider. "It's just a real touchy subject these days after what happened on 9/11 and all, I mean, human beings flew those planes right into the Twin Towers, imagine what these aliens are gonna do if they hit the Empire State Building. This could be the start of a war in the whole universe," he said in a hushed tone during our phone conversation. The Mayor of New York City has yet to confirm whether or not the White House will be adding aliens to their list of potential terrorism candidates, however, in a speech given recently the Mayor did acknowledge that he was feeling upset at the thought of more airstrikes on famous buildings. An aide that was working close to the Mayor told reporters, "These aliens watched 9/11 and they know how to get us. They are coming here to mess with America because America already showed how it can kick the world's butt. Now the aliens want to come down to kick our butt." This aide to the Mayor, Nancy Hollister-Nehigh, was dismissed after making that statement. The photo of the UFO over New York has sent shockwaves through the international community. Ambassadors from Russia, China, and Yugoslavia have flocked to New York to offer support to the Mayor's wife, who has reportedly been having strange UFO-abduction nightmares ever since the photo surfaced. "We want to assure you New York that we are treating this as seriously as we can," said the Police Chief. "We will not stop until we have every terrorist behind bars, whether they're from this planet or the next. We will not allow Islamic fundamentalists or invaders from Mars to fly in our no-fly zone, and we want them to get this message loud and clear." The Army has been flying around New York City in patrol patterns to be on the lookout for these extra-terrestrial visitors. Lt. Gregory Herman said to the press from the steps of City Hall, "We are patrolling the city from the sky. We will not rest until we know that these aliens get the message that we are not going to stand by and let them intimidate us any longer." Perhaps the strangest aspect to all of this is the fact that these aliens are being lumped in with terrorists. No specific alien threats have been made, and as is evident by the photo no damage seems to have been done by their "fly-by." An alien-rights activist in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, Tom Chandew, says that this is another case of the U.S. leaders reacting with hostility to friendly visitors, "aliens have been coming here to New York for decades now, literally. I see them all the time. That photo is nothing special or nothing new. Mainstream news is just now getting a hold of it, but everyone here in New York knows that aliens are what make this city tick. It's how we keep our Big Apple pulse going so strong. These aliens are not terrorists here to kill us. They are lovers here to mate with us, and they will only make us stronger." One thing is for certain: the sides of this coin are well defined and very different. Whilst everyone agrees that the photo is authentic, no one agrees about the motivation behind the flyers. On one side is fear of hostile action, much like what happened on 9/11, and the other side is optimistic love reception, which according to Chandew has been going on for decades anyway.

MONKEY RETURN TO SPACE

By Becky Chung

MOSCOW - A famous monkey named Hidalgo touched the hearts of nearly all Soviets back in the late 60's when he became one of the first primates to orbit in outer space. Hidalgo showed amazing courage as he was stuffed inside of a small capsule, filled only with a tracking device and 47 pounds of freeze-dried bananas, and sent out into the cosmos. While he orbited Hidalgo would make nightly broadcasts back through satellite, and all of the television-watching Soviet Union was engrossed in his journey around the Earth. Hidalgo became the first primate to ever speak the phrase "I love you" through sign-language in his famous last broadcast. It was after that broadcast that Hidalgo literally disappeared... until now. Hidalgo's long-since-forgotten space capsule recently re-entered the Earth's atmosphere and plummeted into the Caspian Sea where it was discovered by a fisherman who naturally thought it was a UFO. Upon further investigation by Soviet authorities it became apparent that what they were examining was an old Russian space-capsule. Experts were called in to open the capsule, and inside it they found the bones of a primate. Dental records indicated that it was in fact the body of the vanished Hidalgo. The news took the Soviet population by storm. Many of them had forgotten the sweet song of Hidalgo, the monkey that said so much with just one hand gesture. Large gatherings of mourners were slowing traffic down in Moscow and Soviet leaders immediately called for a national burial. That is until ex-President Jimmy Carter of the United States stepped in with words of comfort and advice. Carter released an open letter to the Russian leaders that said, "To my friends and colleagues in the fine Soviet Union, it is with great sadness that I acknowledge the life of the lost Hidalgo, cut short too soon after achievements so utterly outstanding. I have heard that you are planning a national burial, and before you do it, before you bury that little monkey, stop and think about what Hidalgo would've wanted. I say send his body right back up there into space and let it float around with his free-monkey spirit!" The remarks caused uproar, then grief, then depression amongst the Soviet population. Said one Soviet school teacher, "Hidalgo lived, he came from our people. He went into space and said 'I love you.' We lose touch with him. Now over thirty years later and his body shows up, of course we can not put him in the dirt. Of course he should be raised up to orbit the Earth in true Soviet honor!" Plans are being made now to return Hidalgo's remains into outer space, where he will float for eternity in a capsule-coffin that will carry the simple but effective epitaph: "I love you."

DOGBOY TOURS IN ITALY

American heart-throb Dogboy (formerly of the music group N'Sync) is now touring Italy as a solo act, and his concerts are generating record-breaking sales, says his tour promoter Dick Hardstone. His tour, which will last the duration of this month, is creating massive amounts of exposure for the half-human, half-dog sensation from Milwaukee. Says Hardstone, "Dogboy is taking it across the world, we can't contain it. Girls love him, men love him, old people love him, even other animals are getting into it." Several popular shoe companies are even competing for the rights to develop an official "Dogboy" dancing shoe that can be cross-marketed to dogs and humans.

WOOLY MAMMOTH CAPTURED

A giant Wooly Mammoth has been captured in Peru and scientists worldwide are reveling in the news. The Wooly Mammoth species, which has been considered extinct for thousands of years, is now believed to be alive and well. Says Rich Blatt, a scientist at the American Mammoth Institute, "There is no logical explanation for it, we've been studying Mammoth carcasses worldwide for so long, and for this one to just stroll out of a cave in Peru, well, it's obvious that there's more where he came from." Mammoth lovers around the globe are now traveling to Peru to catch a glimpse of the wooly creature, which has been locked up in a zoo.

WMD'S DISCOVERED AT LAST

Weapons of Mass Destruction have been found underneath a gas station in the Swiss Alps. A team of UN inspectors (who had at one time been in Iraq) were on a ski trip when they pulled over to gas up their vehicle. One of the inspectors was using the urinal when he smelled an Anthrax-like fungus spore in the air. Later that night, with a team of back-up specialists, they were able to trace the smell down into the basement of the gas station. There they found six large metal containers filled with the dangerous spore. When asked about how the containers got there the owner of the gas station said that he did not know. Authorities have him in custody now while they attempt to find out more.

ANOTHER ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE?

Recently in Venezuela a man claiming to be Elvis Presley was arrested after fondling women at a public theater. When authorities apprehended the man it was clear that he was an Elvis-impersonator, but when they got him back to the Police station for questioning he confused matters by becoming violent and insisting that he was the literal reincarnation of Elvis Presley. Either way, this "Elvis" was indeed 'all shook up' because the authorities eventually beat him with billy clubs and knocked him into a deep coma. He is now awaiting trial while handcuffed to a hospital bed.

CHOCOLATE-FILLED MISSILES

The US Military has announced that it has new chocolate-filled missiles that it will be launching at random on new, upcoming "peace" missions this year. "Our hope is that when we come in to liberate another country if we give them a bunch of chocolate first it'll make them understand that we're just trying to help," says a Military spokesperson.

HALF SASQUATCH HALF MAN

By Ryan Noory

HOLLYWOOD - Sammy Montez was conceived in Germany in 1982 as part of an original documentary 'reality' series called "The Quest for Babybeast." The show was controversial because it was the first of it's kind to put together an eight foot male sasquatch with a female human with the intention of mating them. German television audiences watched in awe as sasquatch and human mating did in fact occur. For 9 months the documentary followed the lives of the awkward pair until their beastly baby was born. The series ended with a furry ball of fat with human feautures wiggling in a German doctor's arms and being handed to the parents. That was young Sammy Montez then, and this is him now: "Yeah my Mom and Dad were killed shortly after I was born. Poachers thought they could get good money for my Dad and he was wanted because they didn't like that he had mated with my Mom, who was hairless like them. He was killed by many shotguns and fire." Sammy is now an aspiring actor in Hollywood, California, in the United States. He is pursuing a career on screen to prove to the world that his kind have a voice too, "People think it's some kind of joke. It's not funny. I was conceived long before this whole reality show craze now. Look at me. I and my bi-species brothers and sisters live amongst you like freaks. I can't get a burger or go to 7-11 without people screaming like little babies. I want to squash them all sometimes and sometimes I do, but if I can become big star then I can just crush people's careers. This is my time to do what Sammy needs to do. I want to make love to hairless women and do it on television for the whole world to see." Sammy Montez is currently represented by the mogul talent agency ICM where he says "at least they treat me with respect."